Posted by
The Singer on Friday, February 16, 2007 10:47:41 PM
The radio, television and print medium is burning up lately with reports on an attempt to stop drunk drivers before they get on the road by talking to them in that last pit stop before getting out the keys to the Ferrari. For those not in the know, talking urinals are supposed to be the bees' knees when it comes to preventing a drunk from driving and splattering their soggy brain (or anyone else's) across the pavement. The device planted in the urinal is called a Wizmark and it greets every splash with a soliloquy on what the splasher should do instead of getting in their car and driving drunk.
I think we need Wizmarks in the Congressional urinals, including the ladies' facilities. Instead of touting the benefits of calling a cab, the Wizmark would be programmed to discourage the splasher from, as an example, using earmarks. The splasher would be greeted by such statements as, "Hey there, big guy! Your constituents are going to vote you out of office if you spend any more of their money, so make sure you trim the pork from that budget!" (Obviously an example for the male gender.) Or, "Wow! You really ARE a powerful congresswoman! Be sure you don't sign that bloated bill or you'll tick off your voters and lose big!" This would be know as the "carrot and stick" method. The carrot is the affirmation of the perceived power and/or position necessary for the super-sized ego. The stick is of course the reminder of unpleasant consequences to doing what one had planned without regard for the Constitution or one's constituency.
Other examples one could hear, "Your votes and speeches are showing that you have no comprehension what the Constitution of the United States allows. Be sure to have an aide read it to you today!" Or perhaps, "You aren't fooling your constituents into thinking you are working when you hold hearings on steroid use in baseball. Get back to work!" The "straight poop approach," as I like to call it, would use an honest statement of fact to break through the corrosion of soul to reach the public servant (if any) inside.
Be they liberal Democrat or a dizzy Republican on the lam, every congressman and congresswoman will be reminded of the dangers of becoming drunk with power and driving America further into a socialist hole. Perhaps a few in power might actually decide to become familiar with the founding documents they are hired to uphold and sworn to protect. And another benefit might even be that when their constituents see the improved behavior, they might actually be so encouraged as to actually make it a point to vote in the next election.
The possibilities are endless! Just think of the changed behavior that may result! While they tinkle, congresswomen could be reminded they need to play nicely with others and not insult people they interrogate in Congressional hearings!
Who would be the beneficiary of the "improved" Congress? Why all Americans who value the way of life we still marginally enjoy here in the good ol' United States! Granted, there would be some casualties, such as:
- the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals' judges
- illegal aliens
- 90-95% of professors at major universities and colleges
- the Department of Education
- lobbyists
- communist anti-war cranks and their marks
- the heads and anchors of NBC, CBS and ABC
- the cable affiliates of NBC, CBS and ABC
- CNN
- most of Hollywood
But, hey! They have never been interested in the America we know and love, so no great loss there. Just think of it as behavior modification on Tidy Bowl. There could be a movie made. We could call it, "Mr. Smith Goes to Tinkletown."
See? In spite of the behavior of both houses of Congress lately, I haven't lost hope and certainly not my sanity. Neither should you.